When One Person Controls the Peace:

Susette Jarvis
May 2
3 min read

Updated: May 2

Understanding Toxic Family Dynamics

A symbolic oil painting depicting emotional distance and division. A man and a woman stand on opposite sides of a tall, dark wall rising from a reflective, misty surface, possibly a beach at sunset. Both figures face away from the wall and each other, suggesting separation and unresolved tension. A golden light emerges from behind the wall, casting long shadows and creating a dramatic, melancholic atmosphere under a cloudy sky — A powerful visual representation of emotional division—when silence, misunderstanding, or toxicity builds a wall between loved ones

In an ideal family, love flows freely, communication is honest, and each member feels safe, valued, and respected. But for some, family life is shaped not by mutual understanding, but by an unspoken need to keep one person happy—often at the expense of everyone else's emotional wellbeing.

This blog explores a painful but all-too-common dynamic: what happens when a family unconsciously revolves around the most toxic person in the room.

The Hidden Pattern in Dysfunctional Families When One Person Controls the Peace

In some families, when one person controls the peace and that is the person who causes the most distress—whether it’s through manipulation, emotional outbursts, constant criticism, or victimhood—becomes the one whose needs seem to take priority. Conversations tiptoe around their feelings. Decisions are made to avoid “setting them off.” The rest of the family learns to adapt—minimising their own needs, suppressing their voice, and sometimes blaming themselves just to keep the peace.

This isn’t always intentional. It’s often a deeply ingrained survival strategy, especially when emotional safety and healthy boundaries were never modelled in the family home. Over time, walking on eggshells becomes the norm, and open, honest communication becomes a risk instead of a right.

The Roles We Play to Keep the Peace

In families where toxicity rules the atmosphere, members begin to take on unspoken roles:

The Peacekeeper, who tries to calm tensions and smooth over conflict.
The Caretaker, who takes responsibility for everyone's emotions.
The Scapegoat, who becomes the target for blame whenever things go wrong.
The Ghost, who stays silent to avoid drama.

Meanwhile, the toxic person—who may position themselves as the constant victim—rarely takes accountability. Their discomfort becomes everyone else’s responsibility.

Sadly, it is often the most emotionally sensitive, intuitive, and caring family members who suffer most in this dynamic. They’re told they’re “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” or “too much,” simply for trying to express the hurt that no one else will name.

The Emotional Cost

When love is conditional and peace is performative, emotional wounds begin to form:

Low self-worth
Anxiety and chronic guilt
Fear of speaking up
A distorted view of love and loyalty

It’s not uncommon for those raised in such dynamics to carry these patterns into adulthood, replaying them in friendships, relationships, or parenting. They may question themselves constantly, attract emotionally unavailable people, or feel unsafe setting boundaries.

Breaking the Cycle

Healing begins when we acknowledge that this dynamic exists. That we are not the problem for recognising it. And that protecting our peace is not the same as creating conflict.

It takes immense courage to say, “This isn’t healthy.” It takes strength to start setting boundaries, even when others don’t understand. Sometimes it means creating distance—not to punish others, but to honour our own emotional wellbeing.

And yes, it may come with grief—the grief of the family we hoped for, the love that was conditional, and the connection that could have been. But with this grief also comes freedom: the freedom to redefine love, to choose healthier relationships, and to finally feel safe in your own truth.

Closing Reflection

If you’ve found yourself stuck in this cycle, know that you are not alone—and you are not wrong for wanting something different.

You are allowed to speak your truth.
You are allowed to prioritise your peace.
You are allowed to step away from dysfunction, even if others choose to stay.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do—for ourselves and for others—

is to stop feeding the dynamic and start healing the wound.

If you wish to learn step by step how to Change your mindset and how to live a life free from Anxieties and learn how to become your own healer, then grab my Online self paced course on "Anxiety No More: Discover Holistic Remedies to Break Free from Anxiety" - GET IT HERE

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Love and light to you all 🙏🙌